It wasn't until I sat down and started watching VSauce on youtube that I realized how tired I was. I love VSauce! He's an amazing brilliant mind, and for me to fall asleep in the middle of his video is an incredible insult to his intelligence.

Then I thought about it. Although I'm physically tired, what's actually sapping the life out of me are my emotions. If I could, I would live as a robot, happily doing my work without being bothered by emotions such as feeling sad, happy, crappy, and anxious.

So recently, I've been working 55-ish hours a week, ish because the amount of time I spend at ELC is uncountable. This, I am happy to say, was enough to impress Jay Park, the king of working overtime. I told him I was putting in at least 42 hours at Target, and at first he was sympathetic enough to say, "Wow that on top of this?" But then quickly retracted his statement a bit by saying, "When I was your age, I worked more."

Whatever Jay Park. I will take this as a mini-praise for the crap you put me through.

OK so, if I was a robot working this much every week wouldn't be a problem. I'd tell the kids at ELC to man up and do the work without feeling guilty of hurting their feelings, and I'd man up and tell the customers at Target to pick up after themselves in the nicest way possible.

Notice how in both cases I said man up, and that's because the answer to not feeling emotions is to be a man: Simple minds, simple pleasures. I'M HALF JOKING because it is a true and admirable fact that guys are able to turn their minds off and not think about anything.

Example: It's the same situation where my coworker the other day started tearing up and crying because of how overwhelmed she felt at work, while my male coworker who also felt overwhelmed controlled his emotions by shutting his brain off and ate a sub.

And although I'd love to just shut my brain off and emotionally eat, I developed this unproven theory that deep down, I actually like feeling emotional and that I like complaining about being emotional. It's a twisted sadist paradox that I can't get out of. On the one hand, I have all these swirling emotions and thoughts, and on the other hand I have the answer, but it's as if there's this oppositional magnetic pull that prevents my two hands working cooperatively together so that the solution never gets to the root of the problem.

Wow that is a congested paragraph.

Here are two types of sadist paradoxical emotions girls love to hate:

1) The Emotions that lead to Problems
This is the most menacing type of emotion because it is manipulative. Emotions have these tendency to linger in our heads, and the longer they linger the longer we end up analyzing it. One way to get rid of this lingering, manipulative emotion is to create a problem to replace the current emotion we feel. The result is that although we feel a different type of emotion it's actually just an emotion on top of an emotion with a problem.

Real life example: A girl who is angry at a guy. To get rid of her anger, she decides to release it so she will feel relieved. What ends up happening is that instead of feeling relieved, she feels miserable for lashing out on the guy. So the result is that she is angry and miserable and still has the problem of what to do with the situation. She may love to hate this situation because she does not see this as a problem caused by her, but a problem caused by the guy and therefore the guy's fault and should be fixed by the guy. In conclusion, all the emotions that she feels is the guys fault even if the guy didn't do anything but cause the initial emotion of anger.

2) Overwhelming emotions that leave you feeling overwhelmed
Self explanatory!

Real life example: A girl has many different suitors. She has tall dark and handsome suitor, she has lanky and geeky suitor, she has beautiful set of hair suitor, she has the tattoo covered bad boy suitor, and finally, she has a midget. She doesn't like any of these guys but is overwhelmed (and feeling fat) by the amount of flowers, text messages, facebook likes, dinners, and chocolates she is receiving from them. It's enough to overwhelm and exhaust her. Obviously, she loves to hate this problem because she is getting attention from many different guys.

I hope these make sense because they make sense in my head. It's like doing math, but instead of 2 + 2 = 4, it's 2 + 2 = 5.

I usually have a high tolerance for all things crap but there comes a time when you have one crap too many and end up feeling emotionally constipated.

Crappy situation #1: My birthday
I hate this, every year it's the same thing. I don't mind it but I hate the pressure of having to make a big deal out of it and feeling the pressure of having to celebrate it. Right now, I feel very emotionally constipated because I don't know how to celebrate it, and I don't know whether to feel happy or sad about it. So it's just crap.

Crappy situation #2: Work
I made up my mind a bajillion and one years ago to quit ELC, but everytime I go to work these kids look at me with their puppy eyes and I get sucked in and never want to leave. This past week is no different, I've probably thought of quitting a million times.

So usually, Jay Park and I have a meeting every week. Today during our little meeting Jay Park mentions the summer and I was so, so, so close to telling him I quit when suddenly he says, "I'm going to give you more hours."

And with those magic words I just had to listen to the rest of what he had to say.

Ok so we all know Jay Park. He's this big hot shot entrepreneur professional guy who owns three businesses. He wants to basically give me more hours to help him out with his consulting business and screen out candidates for him. This is so painful guys, you don't even know.

Also, Target is painful. Basically, the thing is this: Right now no one is really assigned to an area, so the Team Leads are having a blast picking and choosing which team members they want on board. It's kind of like gym class. Everytime I go in someone says, Join my team! You promised to be with me right? I choose you! In my head I'm just like, "Nope, don't pick me. I don't really want to do work or be committed to you right now." PLUS no one has said it yet but Target is a little bit sexist. They put all the girls in the clothing/baby/cashier departments and all the guys in electronics and the backroom. What if I volunteered to be in electronics, now what? But that would mean I'd want to actually do work ...

Crappy situation #3: Everyone is leaving

Technically, just Ariel is leaving but it's enough to make me feel like everyone is leaving, becuase after Ariel is Yong, then Jacob, then ... who knows. I've been feeling blue thinking about this. The deeper issue here isn't abandonment, it's fear of change and lack of faith in the future. Crap crap crap.

Crappy situation #4: Valentine's Day

YES Valentine's Day was one month ago. I never use to care for holidays like Valentine's Day in the the past, but recently ever since I realized I shouldn't be so emotionally constipated and be more open to 'feeling' I decided to care about Valentine's Day. (Believe it or not, I actually tried to get in the habit of hugging people. It failed because I kept on forgetting to hug people right when I meet them. It's awkward to say, "Can I hug you!?" five minutes into the conversation.)

Ok so ladies and 'gents, as I was lecturing my student Po today, when you are in a relationship, giving flowers isn't an option, it shouldn't even be a question, it should just be some thing you do automatically ESPECIALLY on Valentine's Day. So if you're like Po and wondering what the big deal is, I'll explain.

Flowers die a week after you receive them and they're freakin' expensive, which is exactly the point! It shows that you are willing to indulge and spend your hard earned pennines on this worthless novelty on someone you deep down truly love and treasure. In a romantic boy/girl relationship, it shows that the guy isn't a prude and cheap with his money. The guy also gets extra bonus points with the girl if he is creative in the way the delivers the flowers (i.e. home delivery, which costs more and shows that he knows how to plan ahead of time to make sure you receive the flowers on time). One thing girls secretly hate are prudes, especially on Valentine's Day.

In other non-romantic relationships where you give flowers to your mom, grandma, or sisters at church, it shows appreciation and love and care and that you would actually take time to think about them and pick out their favourite bouquet.

Ok go back to romantic boy/girl relationships. Making the girl happy is also a sign of respect towards her, it shows that you respect her for her femininity and you are respecting her by being a gentleman. It's part of that woo-ing process that guys today don't know how to do.

I swear I will talk about this topic forever and go on and on about this but I'll stop now because although this is all nice and all, the theme of this post is crap. Crap crap crap. I don't want to rat anyone out but since you all know who I'm going out with it's kind of unavoidable *ahemjohnnyahem*. But guys, Valentine's Day was last month and I still haven't received flowers. My birthday is next week so I better wake up to three dozen roses (preferably in a shade of pale pink). Just saying.

Crap situation #5: OMGEE

aueriotq34iu56 (*^A*&E5R8746895Y43UIr6786467e8iuguyr67yuibuyf76qtuyt786876868555788954%%^&%$^**#%&^$%*&(Q(Q@&*^$*IGHIUSRI!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, I don't feel better. I'm still emotionally constipated.

Sometimes I'd be in my room minding my own business when I'd catch Charlie staring at me:

At work, I have a good friend named Unique. We actually went to high school together but we were never friends then because I was scared of her since she was the type of girl who looked like she was always about to beat someone up.

But that's all in the past. On my first day we caught up quickly because she mentioned she was into writing, to which I responded: "Me too!" Apparently, she's trying to get published and has been writing an online series for a while now.

Somewhere along our conversation I miraculously felt comfortable enough around her to say that I wanted to craft a story that also talked about my faith, since I'm a Christian. Unique got all wide eyed and responded: "Me too!"

So ever since then, we stopped talking about writing so much and began talking more about God at work. Some time after high school where she felt a lot of underlying angst at society, her parents, and the world in general, she was brought into salvation and had a complete turn around.

I love talking to Unique because she makes work feel so much more cozy. Just having someone there to talk to about God and reflect on the Bible makes it feel like I'm finally putting the rubber on the road. Unique doesn't attend a bible study group or go to church often, but she still reads the bible and has a lot of questions about it. I'm like, well I can help you! Let's talk!    

So that's my little tidbit. I'm very impressed by Unique because she's so smart and brilliant, you give her any problem and she is able to solve it. It feels like the constant lesson I've been learning lately is to never judge a book by its cover.

My brother Matty is having a tough week. On Sunday, he got fired from his job and today he almost got robbed while walking through the park.

I couldn't help but shout, "I told you so!" when he got fired. I know, I'm terrible, but this is how we roll. At work Matty would mess around in the back room with his coworkers, they'd film themselves doing push ups and put it up on youtube. Seriously?

He would always come home from work with chicken for Charlie and for the past three months, he has been coming home with discounted lobster that Pedro isn't complaining about. But, again, seriously?

Tonight he came home and told us he was beaten up at the park, which I'm terrified to walk in now. Some kids held him in a choke hold and punched his face demanding for his wallet and cellphone, but luckily his time at the gym paid off and he managed to terribly beat one of the kids up. In an exaggeration of the story he said they pulled his shirt and it ripped in half so he had to run home shirtless. (OK!!) He's setting himself up as a prince in some kind of story, you know, the ones where after fighting off the evils of the world they'd come home topless, bearing their six pack for all the world to see, back to their kingdom. In this case, the kingdom happens to be the garage and his trusty first mate is Charlie.

So that's my version of his story, I'm sorry for everyone who has him on facebook because I'm sure he's going to be putting up some kind of expletive version.

Matty is just so ... I have no words to describe him. He means well, but he's so aloof and all over the place. He's actually the type of person I don't like, if he wasn't my brother I'd probably have a terrible impression of him (not that I already don't).

A few things about Matty that I shouldn't probably expose him on but I will anyway because he is my brother:

1) He's always in love
Ok so, he has this terrible joke where he says when he's ready for love, he's going to LH because apparently that's where everyone finds love. Obviously I know the girls he's talking about when he says he wants to find 'love' at LH. (Actually, it's no secret that Matty is in love with Tabi.)

But anyway, that's Matty for you. The reason he's in love with so many girls is becuase his first girlfriend broke his heart and ever since then he decided to love as many girls as possible so he can't be heart broken.

2) He's very emotional
Not emotional in the same way a girl is emotional, but emotional as in he cries easily and laughs easily.

3) The most memorable moment of his life is his baptism
For some reason, he's always talking about that one moment in his life in that one lake during that one summer at Mountain Top when he got baptized with John Chao and Ryan Wu and how that moment just defined and changed his life. Before Matty dies, he decided he will repent all his sins and go to heaven.

4) He thinks I'm his best friend
Actually, the entire world is Matty's best friend just like how he's in love with everyone. You mention someone and he's like, "Oh yeah! John Chao! We're best friends!" or "That guy whose dog always walks with Charlie, we're best friends!" I'm not Matty's best friend, I'm his mean older sister. Annabelle is not his best friend either, she's the 'nicer' but slightly insensible older sister.

So this is Matthew for you.

Alright, so I've been working a lot at Target lately, and just to spice things up I decided to be friends with people there. Whoah, mind blown. Not really. I've gotten better since high school, but making friends doesn't come naturally to me, especially when I don't have anything to talk to people about.

A part of my 'make friends scheme' has to do with wanting to talk to about God at work and I figured it'd be easier if we were friends first.

So there's this guy at work named Big S. who is this loud, boistrous human being that commands attention upon every whine, every sarcastic comment, every complaint, and generally every breath. In short, we don't have anything in common. Admitedly, I was very annoyed when I had to work with him for the first time because he was very negative about a lot of things which ruined the whole Fun Fast Friendly atmosphere Target likes to get on with. (Me in my head at work: "Ok guys, today I'm just going to concentrate on the Fun part, and not deal so much with the Fast and Friendly.")

But still, I was like, ok this guy might be borederline diabetic, and that's worrisome, so he has a lot on his plate. I'm going to be nice and greet him and make small talk: In short, I'll give him leftover love, the main course love will be reserved for my FFF coworkers.

Then I met Loud A. Oddly enough, Loud A. and Big S. don't get along, I guess their boisterousness just cancels and repels each other out. So the first time we met, Loud A. and I were working in the cosmetics department, which surprise surprise is my department, sorting out hundreds and hundreds of mascara, eye liner, nail polish, face powder, face cream, face whatever - so it was very tedious. We were following this very poorly designed plan that was very straining to look at when Loud A. snapped and began throwing cosmetics everywhere. It was chaos. She'd pick up face powder, throw it and miss the box, and declare the product defective.

In the middle of it all, Loud A. would randomly open up Sample products and put it on her face while telling stories about her fake hair and her son. Although I was becoming frustrated, I couldn't help but be fascinated by her and just what a curious human being she is, I really did wish I had my pen and paper to write down everything she was saying. I think it's this weird facination with Loud A. that made me resolve to give her more leftover love than I was willing to give Big S., but in the end, why does it matter how much leftover love you're giving someone? It's just leftover.

So guys, when I read this part in Crazy Love, I was sure Francis Chan was talking to me:

Lukewarm People love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with. There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable. Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached.

Matthew 5:46-48: For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect.

I think this point here illustrates just how insanely heavy the cross we carry is when we decide to give our lives to Christ. It's easy to not love someone and toss them aside, but it's harder to love someone with all their imperfections.

Take away point: Love others the way Christ would love them.

Being a lukewarm Christian is something that I feel like I've been convicted of for the past little while. Admittedly, after church every Sunday, I give myself a fresh start to live my life for Christ. In my head I'd be like, "Yeah Lord! This is the week where I'll pray well and not half heartedly! And this is the week that I'll give to you to do in whatever way you want! And this is the week where I'll actually listen to you!"

It never happens. By Monday (less than 24 hours later) my good hearted resolution is gone, putting me back in the place of a lukewarm Christian.

What is a lukewarm Christian anyway?

Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love, dedicates an entire chapter to it. I'll give you guys a quick profile: (He uses the term Lukewarm People but I prefer using the term Lukewarm Christian.)

Lukewarm People attend church fairly regularly because it is what is expected of them and what "good Christians" do. Their worship is made up of rules taught by men (Isa. 29:13).

Lukewarm People give money to charity and the church as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living.

Lukewarm People choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict, they desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of them rather than what God thinks of them.

Lukewarm People don't want to really be saved from their sin; they don't genuinely hate sin and aren't truly sorry for it; they're merely sorry because God is going to punish them. They don't believe this new life Jesus offers is better than their old sinful one.

Lukewarm People are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for 'extreme' Christians or missionaries, not your average ones.

Lukewarm People share their faith with their neighbours, coworkers, or friends; they do not want to be rejected nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion. "Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. but whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven." (Matt 10:32-33)

Lukewarm People gauge their morality or "goodness" by comparing themselves to the secular world. They feel satisfied that while they aren't as hard-core for Jesus as so-and-so, they are no where as horrible as that guy down the street.

Lukewarm People say they love Jesus and that he is a part of their lives, but only a part.

Lukewarm People love God, but they do not love Him with all their heart, soul, and strength; they are quick to reassure you that they try to love God that much, but it is impossible for the average person.

Lukewarm People love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love for others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and people they know and connect with. There is little left over love for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable. Their love is slightly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached. Matthew 5:46 says, "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?"

Lukewarm People will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give.

Lukewarm People think about their life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven.
Colossians 3:2: Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Lukewarm People are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor. They are quick to point out, "Jesus never said money is the root of all evil, only that the love for money is."

Lukewarm People do whatever is necessary to keep themselves form feeling too guilty. They want to do the bare minimum, to be "good enough" without it requiring too much of them.

Lukewarm People are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control. This keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.

Lukewarm People feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, and come from a Christian family.

Lukewarm People do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God.

---

This is a very extensive list. This list is not meant to judge each other, but to be used as something to examine ourselves and just how much of a cross we're actually bearing. Some of the things here convict me more than others, and I think that's the point.

Francis Chan ends the chapter by reminding us that Jesus said, "Take up your cross and follow me." By that he doesn't mean half the cross, but the entire thing. Lukewarm, halfhearted following is useless and will not benefit anyone.

While typing this, it reminded me of the chilli run last Saturday. Although it was good for me to have finally spoken to people I usually ignore, I realized after that I didn't ask any of the people I talked to for their names, which was really important! How can you pray for someone whose name you don't know? Ok you probably could, but I prefer to be specific in my prayers.

So I will end this enormous blog post here. I will have a part two of this post because there's just so much to talk about and I didn't actually get to the point of what I wanted to say.