Today at work my contact lenses were bothering me so much that I wanted to just walk around half blind. I have extremely bad eyesight, and I have never met anyone outside of my family whose prescription even comes close. I’ve never minded it except for the fact that my bad eyesight has caused me to be paranoid about a million different eye diseases and going blind. My biggest fear used to be going to the optometrist and receiving the horrific news that I suddenly have glaucoma, or that the throbbing vein in the back of my eye will pop any day now.

My grandma says I have bad eyesight because I used to stay up too late reading Archie comics and because I did nothing but watch Scooby Doo all day. I realized she was lying when my sister, who never watched Scooby Doo, had just of bad eyesight as me. (When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to watch Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, or the Simpsons, which made me extremely unpopular and left me with no other choice but Scooby Doo. But damn that Scooby Doo, I should have spent my time more productively by watching the Magic School Bus.)

Anyway. Having glasses made me temporarily popular in grade five, when I was the only one with glasses. And that’s about the extent of popularity I will ever get from wearing glasses - although apparently, Toronto is increasingly becoming more hipster-ized, and what is a true hipster without real prescription glasses? My grade five popularity might actually just make a comeback.

But despite the pain of having to poke my eyes to wear contact lenses, and despite the pain of actually having to wear glasses, I like being half blind. Sometimes I just don’t want to see things clearly. I like that unfocused haze of undefined edges, the star-like glow of lights, and the poetic metaphor life seen unclearly.  

I don’t think I’ll ever get laser eye surgery, not because I’m afraid of that small percentage that something will go horribly wrong, but because being half blind is who I am.

Here’s a list of things I prefer to do while half blind: (Warning, this might get TMI)

1) Using the washroom

Obviously no one is going to take a shower with glasses on, and some people might take showers while wearing contacts, but I realized the other day that some people can actually see clearly in the shower. Like instead of having to hold up the shampoo bottle up to your nose to read whether it’s a conditioner or not, they can just look at the shelf and read the label. And instead of seeing blurred drops of water, they might be able to see individual drops of water!

Anyway, this includes brushing my teeth, washing my face, and other things you use the washroom for. Don’t ask, it’s a personal choice.

2) Reading

There’s a very precise distance of five inches from my face where I can see anything clearly. (Hoorah!) Any further or closer it’s blurry. Luckily enough, five inches happens to the perfect reading distance, and I’ll never get distracted because if I look up, I wont’ be able to see anything anyways.

3) Cooking

Before you tell me this is dangerous I’ll confess that I only know how to cook stupid things like instant noodles and eggs. For anything that requires more than three ingredients, rest assured, I wear my glasses.

Moral of the story: There is none, my contacts were just bothering me.