Today I learned that you could either notice the negative things or the positive things. Lately, I've been trying to notice the positive things in everything, but tonight, all the pent up, ignored negative things exploded.
And my poor brother just happened to be there. It happened like this:
My brothers were in the kitchen messing around, talking loudly and being their usual annoying selves. Matthew dropped the spatula on the floor while making eggs and I yelled, "pick it up! Wipe the eggs off the floor! Not with that, with this! Now wash it!"
I admit that my constant nagging must have been ridiculously annoying, but I knew that Matt wouldn't clean up after himself. Then they sat down and started teasing me about the usual stuff and how I annoy them. Usually, I don't mind this, and I'd snap back at them of how they annoy me, but tonight, I got seriously angry at everything they said.
A polite way of explaining what happened next would be to say I 'exploded.' I started yelling at them, and then I punched Matt (which is nothing because he's bulky and no longer scrawny) and took away his eggs. We started yelling at each other, when my dad comes up from the basement and yells at us to be quiet.
After my dad left, we just ignored each other and didn't say a thing.
I realized after that this happens periodically. When I was in high school, I had a lot of pent up anger towards my friends that I harbored since jr. high, but never said anything. One day, my gr.9 English teacher professed her secret talent of being able to read people's auras. She read my aura and said, "yours is the colour maroon. One of these days you're going to explode because you're really angry."
I was shocked and embarrassed because she said this in front of my friends. How could she have possibly known? Afterwards though, I realized she was absolutely right. I was a silent ball of anger waiting to explode.
I don't remember what happened, I don't think I ever had an anger explosion in front of my friends. I may have just taken it out on Matt again and beaten him up (I promise you I only ever beat Matt up, no one else. He's always been my personal punching bag).
My anger explosion tonight took me by surprise. I thought I had everything controlled. I guess lately, a lot of things have been bugging and stressing me out. Ever since last week, it was one thing after another: from my friends, to the pressure of my essay, to my job, to my mom etc.
Sigh. Maybe I should start telling people when I'm angry instead of balling it up inside, but this is the way I've always been.
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Yes, you should start telling people you're angry or at least show it. I used to be like you in some ways and let it pile up. The only difference was mine wasn't because I was angry, it was because of things that got me down. You're only human, why hold it in?
I find that talking about things that annoy me helps in avoiding eventual "explosive outbursts", especially when other people feel the same way. Sometimes, its not you but the person who's annoying you and if that's the case, I like to fight fire with more fire (ie annoy them back)