Inwardly, I think I'm terrible, mean and stubborn. When I get into a fight with someone, all I want to do is do terrible things back at them. I'm not like Tabi or my sister, who like to resolve conflicts right away. If someone, let's say a customer, pisses me off, I take extra measures to be cold and rude to that person. I can't help it, I feel like I have to justify being yelled at or being scolded, especially if I feel like I wasn't at fault. I always seek for vengeance, and often, that vengeance takes place in the form of the silent treatment.

Obviously my inability to resolve conflicts has led me to deep trouble. My sister often lectures me about the dangers of having unresolved conflicts, about it being damaging in the long run. I just find it extremely hard to resolve conflicts if the other person has seriously annoyed/pissed me off/offended me though.

So I was talking to Tabi about my issues and we ended up praying about it. Praying often becomes exposing since I feel like I end up laying down all my faults. It was good that I was able to pray about it with Tabi though, since I felt like it helped me see beyond my pent up, pissed off emotions, to what is important.

This also reminds of John's post about what Jacob said. I do feel like I am sinning by holding a grudge and being stubborn, since Annabelle is right: this would eventually hinder my relationship with God. Instead of wanting to amend things with my own effort, which I obviously cannot do because of who I naturally am, I should I should look towards the bigger picture and see what God wants me to do. Looking at things in this way is much easier and simpler than looking at it from my perspective. From my point of view, it's all about hate and vengeance and silent treatments and bitterness. From God's point of view, it's just forgiveness and love.