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An in Between

Annabelle and I have been rather bored lately. Today we sat around the round kitchen table job hunting, drinking tea, and eating tons of food. It was nice and peaceful, she got a lot done, I got some. But nearer to the evening when we ran out of things to apply for we felt that tinge of boring setting up on us.

Jeremy says I use the word boring a lot, and to justify myself, I actually mean it this time around. This is the first time since Annabelle has gotten married that she’s spent an extensive amount of time at home with us, and life here is just so – the same. In her own house she has a million things to do: clean, paint, cut the grass, shovel the driveway, put out the trash – and here, it’s just sitting in front of the computer. It’s this type of idleness that causes her to miss Vinay, who’s in the thunderest bay at the moment, all the more.

I was bored because I had run out of things to do to entertain Annabelle. I can never be truly bored at home, there’s always something to do (like watching all of the Legend of Korra, a Pandora ’s Box I don’t think I’m ready to open yet). I painted her nails (yet again) and made dinner (my version of meat pie: potatoes and ground beef). And after that … well she’s not the type to watch movies, play games, watch drams, or other idle things normal people do.

Anyway, I guess I’m bored because I’m also waiting for Jeremy to come ‘home’ (even though Quebec is his real home). He’s been gone for about a week now and he’s coming back tomorrow, not that I’ll see him. And although I’ve been busy this past week (with the holidays and all) I can’t help but be irritated with time when I realize there’s three-two-one more day left until he returns. It’s familiar to when I only have an hour left to my shift at work, it’s always dragged on long and tortuously.

Speaking of work, that’s one place that never gets boring. This past holiday season was probably the most irritated I've been working in retail. I don’t usually get mad, but I was the closest to being mad on Boxing Day with the large amount of people and huge pile of mess they were trailing behind them. I wonder if it ever occurs to non-retail workers that there is actually someone who has to clean up after their mess when they decide to open up ten packs of underwear just to see which size fits or after they've let their children mess around in the toy department or after they decided to unbox all of the coffee makers in the isle just to see if it comes with a coffee pot. Maybe people think things just magically get cleaned up afterwards.

Wrong.

Here’s a secret: When you open up packages in stores, we have to throw them out. That’s right. It goes in the garbage. Why? Because no one else will buy it. They’ll see an opened box and buy the unopened box behind it.

Of course we lose money for it, but we’re also not allowed to yell at you when we catch you in the act either. (There’s nothing forbidding us from giving you the stink eye though, something I’ve gotten to be very good at.)

Ok ending this post off with this before my ranting goes on any further:

Last week on Saturday the store was still fairly busy. My very pregnant co-worker, S, was working as a cashier that day. It had been five-six long hours into her shift when suddenly she felt extreme pressure so she sat down on the floor in tears and told Jean that she was in labour. They got her a seat and called the leaders in the store, who led her to the fitting room where she’d be able to get privacy. Someone called the ambulance and they came in no time to whisk her away to the hospital. S had been crying – from the pain or from being scared, I don’t know.

It was all very traumatizing to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about S, and there was nothing much I could do except pray for her. I mean, her unborn child could have potentially died or be in fatal condition. I still don’t know what happened. But the funny thing is that no one else thought anything much about it. Everyone went back to work as if it was normal or that nothing had happened. I was a bit annoyed at this, and started to think that maybe I had thought the situation was much worse than it actually had been. That she wasn’t in that much pain, that the baby wasn’t in trouble after all.

Still. So this is what the holiday shopping season is like for us retail workers. We’re tired, irritated, and unhappy with consumers who stamped through the store as if they own the place so that we’ve become unfeeling to human needs.


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Tried and True

Tim said something the other week that I’ve been thinking about (as it so happens whenever Tim says something). He said that all the older guys at LH were now in relationships, a completely unprecedented event. It’s not only within this circle of acquaintances that people are getting together left and right though: My other acquaintances are either getting together, married, engaged, or having tons of babies. Even my mom caught some the love bug (or whatever type of virus this happens to be) when, this past fall, she mentioned getting married to Pedro in order to keep him in Canada.

(I never did find out the conclusion to this. They could be planning a secret wedding for all I know.)

There are many different tried and true ways when it comes to relationships, but never one correct one. I’m momentarily going to channel my inner sage by saying that there are too many different variations that need to come to play when it comes to relationships, such as time, where people are at in their lives, and the mood they are in.

I’m admittedly very two faced when it comes to this whole relationship bug that’s bitten everyone. Depending on the couple, I'm very happy and amused by it. But I can see how some people can look at this situation as crazy because there is no assurance to momentary infatuation that is often the beginning of relationships. Maybe the only assurance is time, or better yet, a fancy engagement ring.

When my co-worker got engaged I practically broke the news to everyone else at work, as if I myself had been the one to get engaged. Then we giggled and laughed about everything to do with weddings, and our lunch times would be filled with talks of banquet halls, wedding dresses, colours schemes, and most importantly for today’s modern bride: Pinterest. I’ve practically invited myself to her wedding. With my other co-workers who are in long term relationships, there’s a lot of talk of “how you know he’s the one you’ll marry” and try to guess when their boyfriends will propose.

The opposite of my being extremely happy about relationships is a rather darker one. There are no giggles and laughter but bitter resentment that often comes with the feeling of being slighted by someone. When I get into one of my moodier thoughts, it’s hard to come out of the circle of reasoning I’ve trapped myself in. A few years back I might have relied more on my ‘intuition’ to judge a couple’s longevity, now it’s a matter of an analysis of different variations.

When it comes to my own relationship I’ve become very sensitive when people comment or say anything, and what they say will haunt me in the random, quiet moments when my mind drifts. I guess one of the reasons I’m so sensitive is because I feel like there are some people rooting against us, or that they’re wishing for our demise. I often translate what people say into the negative, as if my actions have been offensive to them, or that my feelings are stupid and wrong and should not be felt. It’s not just with their words that I get offended by, it’s with their actions and the standoffish, avoidance look, or with the lack of mirth.  

Jeremy is the complete opposite of my feelings on this. He’s in the innocent, which is why we end up spending so much time talking about what I think about. I don’t mind analyzing these things because in the end, his logic wins and rather than feeling silly and stupid, he makes me realize another point of view to the situation.

But through it all, I don’t have that usual shred of doubt. And even though I’m sensitive about other people’s comments and reactions, I’m confident with this and very grateful for his companionship.

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The Problem with Moments of Clarity

The problems with moments of clarity is that I have them too many times during the day. They happen randomly (watching a drama, walking, on the ttc, looking at fb) and I never have the will power to write them down. I always think, “That’s a great moment of clarity I just had. If only I had a piece of paper and notebook to write this down in. Then one day when the moment is right, I will look at this notebook and read this piece of moment of clarity and be all the more clarified once again.”

Here’s a short list of moments of clarity I had today:

1)   While looking at fb, I found a picture of my brother’s girlfriend with my Charlie and thought, “She has the best confidence in the world. I should have more confidence like her. And come to think of it, what’s stopping me? I’m stopping myself. From now on, I will have the same confidence like her.”

Clarity.

2)      While applying for jobs today, I became overly fed up (this happens on a daily basis) and thought, “Screw cover letters. They take too long to write and it always feels like I’m trying to sell myself.” And a short google search later I realized I can pretty much google any problems I have.

Clarity.

3)      I woke up to a piece of threatening note this morning that said, “Give back PS4 controllers and you can have your laptop back” from Aaron. Of course my natural reaction was to feel invaded that he went in my room and took my beloved (although aged) macbook. And the reason for this note in the first place had to do with another dispute that happened on Saturday night, where I once again disowned him as my brother.

But after a short conflict I decided that it really isn’t worth it to be mad at Aaron all the time. I should be more forgiving (though it really does take a lot of emotional will power to do this).

Clarity.

4)      I recently bought a new EeeBook, introducing me once again to windows, since my macbook was dying and I needed a new, cheap alternative that did everything I wanted (i.e. actually work). I needed to buy Office and realized that I could still cheat Microsoft by buying the university/student version of Office since all they needed to verify that I’m still a ‘student’ is a university email address (which I have for life. Does this mean I will be able to reap the benefits of being a student forever?).

Of course, this piece of clarity would never have happened without Jeremy, who is 99% more tech savvy than I am. He’s the one who talked me out of my apple fandom and led me to a cheaper alternative, and the one who told me to cheat Microsoft by pretending to be a student still. Plus he’s the one who set up my notebook for me.

So really, this piece of clarity is, “Jeremy is a lot better at this stuff than I am. I could try and be better at it like he is, but then again, why bother? I can always just ask him, or he’ll voluntarily give me advice without my asking. This is great.”

Clarity.

I wish I had an infinite amount of memory in my head to use as a storage for these random pieces of clarity. That every piece of clarity I have I can put into long term memory drive and retrieve when I need to remember it. Or that I can file these pieces of clarity categorically for better and easier access.


Anyway, if there really was something important I had to remember, I’m sure I will. 

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Sweetie Boy is Home


Suddenly he came home like the sweetest little boy you’ll ever find. The dog greeted him enthusiastically at the door, tail wagging, wondering where he had been all these five long years. (Really, it was just five months. But to dogs everything seems like forever.)

“Hi Charlie!” Sweetie Boy exclaims. “I missed you! You’re so cute. Good boy.”

“Sweetie Boy is home!” Mom chimes in, though to who she was speaking to was unclear; was it to the dog or the house?

He didn’t really have much else to do at home so he bee-lined his way down to the basement where his room was. His computer was gone.

“Don’t go down there yet!” Mom yells after him. “Stay up here where I can see you. Have something to eat.”

“Where is my computer? Is it in the garage?”

I sat frozen in my room all the while. Hold up. He was suppose to come home today? No one told me. Mom never said a word. She never even told me that he was coming home soon. I had to find that out from brother-in-law.

There was nothing I could do next except text sister and Ducky:

TEXT: TO SISTER

OMG HE’S HOME

TEXT: TO DUCKY

OMG HE’S HOME

Ducky tells me not to be bothered by it.

How can I not be? This sweet little boy, trapped in a 20-year-old body, is very, very angry. Who knows what he could do. What is he capable of? Where are the knives, are they locked up?

It was just getting to be very peaceful at home with just Matty and I. The best we’ve gotten along in years. I’d ask him about girlfriend and school, and he’d tell me he was doing great. Though not with girlfriend.

But now, Sweetie Boy is home.

“Sweetie boy is home,” Mom suddenly exclaims passing by my open door. I say nothing. “What’s wrong?” She suddenly whines. “ I’ll cook later.”

“It’s not that!”

“I’ll need your help. He’s home. He needs to take his meds everyday.” She whines, “I’m so tired.”

“Ok I’ll help, just tell me where the meds are. I’ll give it to him at night.”

“Good Lord. I’m so tired,” She says more pitifully again as she goes down.

My phone vibrates.

TEXT: FROM DAD

Sweetie Boy is discharged. He is home now.

TEXT: FROM DAD

Tonight don’t forget to remind him his med before bed, ok? Good girl.

Am I dog? And where have you been?

Sweetie Boy and mom make plans to go to the bank. Before they leave mom tries to keep him occupied by telling him to come say hi to me. Before he could make his way up I boulder down the stairs to say: Hi, Sweetie Boy.

Hi Sister, he says.

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Proposal Expert


I’ve realized recently that I love being part of people’s special moments, and especially, being part of the planning process.

This past Saturday was Tabitha’s bridal shower – my third and last bridal shower of the year. It makes me a bit sad to think that I won’t be taking part of planning another bridal shower in a while (if at all).

During the bridal shower, someone began talking about this woman in NYC who became a professional bridesmaid – a bridesmaid for hire. She is the prime example of someone who takes what she’s good at and advertises herself. 

Which got me thinking, why can’t we all just do that? Advertise what we are good at shamelessly just because we’re good at it. You can’t lose anything.  

Another example of this is the guy who became a Professional Line Sitter after having realized that people will stand in line for just about anything. He will stand in line for you so that you won’t have to find yourself standing outside of an Apple Store all night just for the latest iPhone.

This is what I call true innovation.

Among the people I know, people are constantly being innovative. Annie has taken her love for baking and created Gastronomic Relevancy, Lauren has Boxit, Clement is on his way of making a website, Caroline sells her designs on Etsy, and my friend Tanya designs tshirts for her company, Afrolemodele. I’m sure there are others I don’t know about.

I came up with the most ridiculous venture I could think of this morning while talking to Tabitha. I decided that I should be a professional Proposal Expert.

The idea:

There will always be moments in life when you’ll want to take the next step with someone. Maybe you want to ask a girl out. Maybe you want to propose to your girlfriend. But the question is, how? You want to make it special and memorable, but the only problem is that you’re lacking ideas, and perhaps help.

That’s when I come in to help.

I can help these guys create unforgettable moments by planning and executing the event. All they have to do is show up looking good. I’ll make sure the flowers are there, the timing is right, and the mood is perfect. In short, I’ll be in the background making sure everything goes well.

I don’t even have to limit myself to a guy asking a girl out or a proposal; it can also be for a special wedding anniversary, or a surprise birthday.

It’s to help create a special moment between two people at the start of something wonderful. Or to help you express your love for that special person in your life.

Part of the package will be complimentary photos and a video of the entire thing.

What do you guys think? I’m quite half-serious about this. I’ll have to think of a name and create a website first, before advertising myself. This could either be a hit or a flop, either way, it’s something I can work on while looking for a job/finding out what I want to do with my life.


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Junction of Three Roads


When we went to visit fontana de Trevi in Rome, I knew what I wanted to wish for. I had thought about it long beforehand, back when we were planning where to visit when we arrived in Rome. I wished for Aaron to get better. (I know what you’re thinking, now that I’ve said it, it will never come true! Luckily, I don’t subscribe to this superstition. Or maybe my wish has been answered.)

Less than a week after coming home from my grand adventure in Europe, Aaron was admitted to CAMH. It was Annabelle’s idea. She gave my mom a list of hospitals to choose from, with pros and cons on each, and in the end my mom agreed to CAMH because she believed it was the best hospital for him.

They went through the emergency room and he’s been there since, being switched from department to department, depending on how he was getting along.

I’ve had a very hands off experience with this entire thing which my mom might resent me for. She thinks I don’t care enough about Aaron and that I’m happy he’s in the hospital (as oppose to being unhappy like she is. She thinks CAMH is a prison). Call it what you will, selfishness or uncaring on my part, but I haven’t visited Aaron much this entire time. I’ll talk more about this later.

It was during this time that Aaron was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Hearing this diagnosis scared my entire family. First of all, it’s genetic. Second, we wondered whether Aaron would ever be strong enough to battle this. It really is a sorry affair to have someone in your family diagnosed with schizophrenia. There are a lot of tears, accusation, and depression passed around. My mom has taken it especially hard; she describes Aaron as “being an empty shell”.

I can’t even begin to imagine what she’s feeling. To see your son deteriorate and become this empty, emotionless, shell of what he once was. As we were cleaning out Aaron’s room after he went to CAMH, she found childhood pictures of him and pictures before his illness. Feeling sentimental, she stuck the pictures in random places in the house: On the fridge, by the front door, in her room, in the living room. I took a long hard look at these pictures. I can’t help but ask where Aaron went. The person in CAMH is not Aaron.

Aaron didn’t go to the wedding though he was one of Vinay’s groomsmen. It might have been the week before, or very recently beforehand at least, the wedding when Matt and Aaron got in a fist fight in the hospital. After that, there were no questions of him coming to the wedding. Isn’t this a really depressing thought? I thought about Aaron’s absence during the wedding, and wondered whether he would have enjoyed it. Probably not.

So where am I going with this? I wish I could end off with saying, “So this is why I’ve filled up ten prayer journals to date because everyday I pray that God will heal Aaron and I have faith enough that this will actually happen.” 

I do believe God can heal Aaron. But I do question whether it’s in His will to do so or not. (Maybe someone can help me out on this with a comment.) Rather than pray for healing, I want to pray for peace in what God has planned, whether it’s Aaron becoming a functional member of society or whether, and I shudder at this thought, Aaron stays the way he is for a long time.

Let’s be honest. This is hard.

Tonight, as my mom was taking Aaron out to Tim Hortons (he has a free pass every now and then, meaning, he can leave the hospital for short amounts of time), he ran away from her. He jolted out of Tim Hortons and ran down the street. She chased after him in her car and even stopped in the middle of the road, abandoning the car, to chase him on foot. Eventually a kind couple wound up helping my mom and after an hour or so, they managed to get him into the car with the promise of going home.

Which she actually took him to. When they got home my mom pulled Annabelle aside (I was at work) and told her Aaron was downstairs and together with Pedro, they got him in the car and went to the hospital together, where in the parking lot, Aaron took off again. It was dark at this time, and Annabelle stopped my mom from chasing him. Instead, she called the hospital for help, and they responded by calling the police. Frantic, my mom insisted that they look for Aaron themselves so they drove round and round the vicinity of the hospital until they spotted Aaron at a streetlight.

Annabelle was suppose to meet up with Vinay, who is just coming in from Thunder Bay. Instead, she had to chase after Aaron and comfort my mom who was hysterical. I don’t even know where to start. I feel bad this had to happen to everyone – to my mom who is absolutely distraught now, to Aaron who wants to be free from his prison, to Annabelle the newlywed who can’t be with her husband, and even Pedro who probably was looking to rest after work.

Doesn’t this sound completely fictional to you? It’s hard to imagine this could even be real life. Then again, we all have our own problems to look after. 

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Disenchantment


It is fair to say that I have become very disenchanted with my career, or rather, disenchanted with putting a career first and foremost at all. In the past few months, this thought has been creeping into my head, but I’ve always brushed it away thinking that it was nonsense. What reason would I be disenchanted when I haven’t begun at all? Then again, a stronger inkling would say, “Is it really that important?”

And I guess, now I’ve resigned to thinking that it isn’t that important at all.

In the past few months, weeks, days, and minutes leading up to Annabelle’s wedding, I’ve immersed myself completely into helping her prepare for it: Shopping for décor, shopping for gifts, putting together the wedding favor, planning the bridal shower, getting our eyebrows done, planning the surprise flash mob (which, I’m happy to say, she says was her favorite part of the wedding). I enjoyed every minute of it, even in the days when I felt overwhelmed by the amount of things we had to do.

It was in the middle of this wedding fever that I realized it’s ok that I’m disenchanted with my career, and that it’s ok to embrace this feeling rather than pushing it away. What became more important to me were the people who I was around, the people I could help, and the people I decide are important to me.

Last night marked the end of my classes.  I left class feeling meh, and walked away from my friends deciding I would celebrate quietly by buying tea at Tim Hortons by myself. It was one of those moments when I couldn’t help but think, “So, now what?”

(Tangent: People are often confused when they realized I’m still taking a class. The answer is yes, I am, and it’s been the biggest struggle. In the midst of assignments and tests, I’ve been helping Annabelle for her wedding, planning the bridal shower, planning lesson plans for my practicum, working, and who knows what else.)

Deep in my thoughts, I almost walked passed someone who ‘seemed’ homeless, asking me for change. As usual, I made sure to reply, “Sorry”.

But then he asked, “Can you buy me dinner?”

I stopped in my tracks. I’ve never been asked by someone who ‘seemed’ homeless to buy him dinner before.

So I asked, “Sure, what do you want?”

“Can you buy me that chicken sandwich?”

“Do you want a drink with that?”

“I already have coffee. How about water?”

“Ok, I’ll go get you something.”

Then he added, “Can you get chili with that?”

I wasn’t sure if hew as changing his order, or if he was asking me to buy him two different things. But I wasn’t about to get him both. When I came back outside with his chili I noticed that he had what seemed to be an iphone/ipod headphones on, which meant that he might not have been homeless! I had been duped.

We exchanged names, shook hands, and as I walked away, he pulled out a small flute. This seemingly homeless man might have just been a subway musician.

I didn’t let it get to me. I let it go thinking, “Well God, it’s not my place to judge whether he could have afforded the meal himself or not, or whether he’s actually homeless or not. I did what he requested of me, and that’s that.”

Anyway, I told my friends what happened. One of them told me it was my destiny to run into this guy (jokingly. This is her way making sense of things).  And my other friend told me that I should have been more mad for being duped.

One of my fondest memory of going to Istanbul with Tabitha and Selina was that one morning when we had our coffee fortunes read by a friend we made. He made some tall claims, but despite that, I often think back to my coffee fortune.

“You’ll be able to get what you want,” He said peering into my cup. “Because you’re lucky.”

I don’t know what I want yet. When I figure it out, at least I know I'll have luck on my side. 

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Makeup Inventory

Sometimes, all you need is a bit of makeup - but in my case, this bit of makeup has grown into a collection of makeup. I don't know if you guys remember, but last year I started subscribing to ipsy, a monthly makeup subscription where I receive a bag every month in the mail. 

I finally opened my March bag today. Unlike Tabi, I wasn't that impressed since I already have the products in the bag. The bag looks like an ameba and is actually very pixelated, making it look just like plastic. 

Usually I get five items a month, so I was a bit disappointed to that I only got four items this month! (Blasphemy!) Here's a picture:


The only thing I liked was the liquid eyeliner. I could probably use this as a tattoo pen since it doesn't wash off at all! 



So this got me thinking. By now I've accumulated a lot of makeup, and I think it's about time I take an inventory and see just how much I have.

There are some people who have qualms about makeup, personally, I don't see anything wrong with it unless you go overboard and end up looking absolutely intimidating, or if makeup ends up becoming your definition of beauty. (You know what they say, if 90% of it can be washed away with water, it's not beauty.) I use makeup as a way of looking put together, or of politeness, because how you look can be an outward manifestation of your attitude toward a situation. At work I deal with a lot of face to face interaction, and I'd rather look approachable than not. I think teachers especially need to look put together since students are constantly staring at them. 

Using makeup as a way of showing politeness is something my grandma and someone else at church taught me. They have a point, and really, caring about your appearance doesn't take that much work. 

Anyway on with the inventory. Here's a collection of my lip products, half of which I bought, and half of which I've received from ipsy. I had more lip-crayons and lip-glosses but they've 'mysteriously' disappeared (as in, my mom or sister probably took them). Is this a lot? I can't tell anymore. Lip products are my favourite because I like my lips, haha. 



Ok, this picture is a it more overwhelming, and I know what you're thinking: What is this and why do you have so many?!

These are the eye products. I'm missing one eyelash because Annabelle took it for her engagement pictures (she cut it in half and used half on the outer corner of her eyes). These are all from ipsy except for the gel liner and the giant mascara tube. I've received more pallets from ipsy but I regifted them to different people.


Face products which include foundation, powder, blush, primer, bb cream samples, bronzers ... 


This is just the tip of my nail polish collection, the rest are hidden in Annabelle's room. I always justify our vast number of nail polishes by thinking that my mom, sister, and I share them, but if I actually counted how many we own this poor justification probably wouldn't cut it.

#noshame


Not really makeup, here are random lotions (or what I call winter essentials) and one random hair spray.


And this is how I organize everything: In little boxes I bought from the dollarstore. Storing things this way doesn't look like I have a lot, which might be a bad thing.

I've started to write the dates of when I open products with a sharpie, just so I know how old things get and when it's time to toss them.


That's about it for makeup. I don't plan on subscribing to ipsy forever, I think I'll stop soon enough. It's just so addicting to receive products in the mail every month though, it's like christmas every month.

Since Light House will be hosting a spring dinner in April, I've been very preoccupied with thinking of table centre pieces. I had the idea of growing flowers yesterday and using them as the centre pieces, but now that I think about it, I don't think they'll be big enough for next month. Anyway I bought two grow kits (both only for a dollar!) and planted them yesterday. These are my new babies, Daisy and Sunflower.



Daisy and Sunflower have temporarily replaced the love I usually allocate for Charlie because Charlie mauled my Pooh Bear the other day.  











Ending this post with my Frankenstein drink from Sbux. My coworker told me he would treat me the other day, so I went to starbucks and told them so-and-so was treating me and they decided to come up with the most calorie induced drink I've ever had: A green tea frap with chocolate chips and caramel whip cream. 


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Mundane Life


I’ve often thought of what to blog about and usually write my ideas down. Nothing ever just seemed good or fitting enough to post, so that I ended up with a lot of half-attempted and failed blog posts with the pressure to actually post building up something since its been months since I’ve blogged.

A lot of things have happened in the past few months, I would love to rehash them out to you but that seems very tedious and time consuming. Instead of writing about these big life moments I’m going to stick to what I know best and write about the mundane things in life that took place this week. To start, here’s a list:

1) Clipping Charlie’s paw nails

What did dogs do in the wild before they had humans to clip their paw nails for them? And what did dogs do before people invented paw nail clippers for them? I find this part of dog ownership very questionable. The vet says when Charlie’s nails are too long, it hurts him. Question is, how do I know the vet isn’t lying to me? Is Charlie actually in pain?

But since the vet said it, I must do it. And just like giving Charlie a bath is up to me, so is clipping his paw nails. I don’t like doing it since it’s a very tricky thing to cut a dog’s nail, you have to cut just the tip or else it you’ll end up hurting them. The first time I cut Charlie’s nails he made a crying sound which I thought was a cry to of pain, turns out, it’s just Charlie being a baby about getting his nails cut. Now Charlie runs away from me when I take the paw nail clippers out (which looks like a pair of pliers, if you’re wondering).

2) I’ve adopted my own department

I probably spend 50% or my week at work, which absolutely sucks because I’m exhausted most of the time. It isn’t easy being on your feet the entire day, running around to get things done. When your energy level drops and the work keeps piling up, it’s hard to keep motivated to keep going. Luckily, I have fantastic coworkers who help motivate me.

So I won’t go into the details of what it is exactly I do at work, but recently we’ve had a few management shifts with a couple of people going on vacation – leaving me by myself! I’m pretty much scared stiff about this because I’m pretty sure I’m going to severely mess up or forget about something along the way and them boom – off with my head. It’s a terrible feeling. When coworkers ask me questions about things that need to get done I try not to make it look like alarm bells are not going off in my head and try to sound like I know what I’m doing instead.

3) Outdated Teachers

Yesterday at volunteer, Mia, code name for the teacher I’m shadowing, told me not to take notes while volunteering in her class and that I should be helping her making sure the students know what they’re doing instead. This would have been fine if she made it clear that this is what she expected of me, but never in the two months I’ve been volunteering here has Mia made it clear what she expects of me. Every week I’m there she gives me a different task to do, which is why I thought it would be perfectly ok to sit and observe.

Mia and I butt heads a lot. I don’t agree with her methodology and her strict, mean way of harassing the students. I believe she is outdated and needs to re-evaluate her teaching methods to see whether they’re working or not. She complains to me that some of the activities she does in class is the same activity she has done before, and the students still don’t know how to do it, making it sound as if the students are at fault for being stupid. The students are not stupid, it’s just her methodology that needs to change in order for them to learn. Mia is just using the same methods over and over again, even if they don’t work, resulting in nothing except a huge waste of time, effort, and government money.

I can go on and on about this. Of course, my friend Thao, who deserted me and went back to Vietnam for the winter semester, receives a lot of my complains.  Every week I leave volunteer I furiously message her and we hash out plans to revolutionize ESOL teaching methods. Thao is hilarious because if you think I’m being overly critical, she’s probably 10x times worse than I am.

4) How to be the Best Bridesmaid

Since I’m going to be a bridesmaid for 2 (maybe three, Mona still has to get back to me) weddings this year, I decided to take my job seriously. Haha. I’ve been googling “How to be a bridesmaid” and “proper etiquettes for bridesmaids” and “how to write a wedding speech” and of course, “how broke am I going to be after being a bridesmaid to 3 weddings?”

I’m ecstatic about the amount of weddings that are happening this year! It’s a year of celebration really, leaving no room to feel sorry for yourself since there are weddings to celebrate and prepare for! I don’t care whose wedding it is, I’ll gladly talk about it for hours. Haha.

So I started planning Annabelle’s bridal shower with the rest of her seven bridesmaids, and I have to admit that I love working with the girls because we each have different expertise. For example, Jaspreet is the organizer (she’s created a spreadsheet via google doc and is constantly cleaning it up when we mess with it and high lights the parts that need the most attention), Stephanie is the foodie (so she knows which catering companies to trust), and I’m probably the crazy person who over googles things.
We have a spreadsheet for each thing that need to be done such as the guest list, venue, catering, games, and even accessories (for what we’re going to wear on the day of the wedding).

That somewhat sums up this long awaited for post. Hopefully my next one won’t be months down the road. 

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God is my Victory


1 Corinthians 10:13
No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. Last Friday at LH, Jacob asked what our ‘prisons’ in life were, and we came to the consensus that our family could be a type of prison. It’s a metaphorical prison of course; the way I see it, it’s a type of captivity that makes you suffer.

As I mentioned in my thanksgiving post, my family makes me really upset. Being upset with your family is a whole different level of emotion: It’s a mix of boiling anger and rage with love. It’s the type of emotion that makes you empathize with a murderer’s rage because you’re just that angry.

Anyway, so Aaron is back in the hospital, surprise surprise. His illness is similar to diabetes, if you don’t take care of it properly and take the proper medication and precautions, you’ll deteriorate. It’s not uncommon for people with psychosis to be chronically hospitalized though, but that doesn’t mean it becomes less heart retching each time.

On Saturday, when Annabelle and my mom were bringing him to the hospital, he began breaking down crying, and I was mean enough to say, “Yeah, just cry it out.”

Pissed off, he looks at me and says, “You’re on my side, aren’t you?”

This question just about killed me. Of course I’m on his side, I’m his sister. I can’t be his enemy. At the same time I’m on the opposing side of his illness, something that I’m finding harder and harder to realize isn’t who Aaron is. I admit that sometimes when Aaron does something, it’s so easy for me to say, “Oh, that’s because he’s sick”. When really, it’s not.

So yesterday, we went to visit him in the hospital. He was absolutely in rage, angry that he has to be there for who knows how long when he doesn’t think he needs to be there. And since we’re at a different hospital this time, we had to rehash his illness to the on-call psychiatrist again, making me realize just how bleak the future looks if he continues on the way he is.

Something needs to change.

1 Corinthians 10:13 is a very timely verse that came to me. Yesterday while with the grade six kids, I made them memorize this verse. While in the hospital, this verse came back to me and I just bawled my eyes out.

Having a sick family member is something that everyone goes through. This past few months alone, I’ve heard of so many prayer requests made on behalf of a family member: Their mom, their dad, their son, their wife, their husband. It’s so easily to isolate yourself into thinking that you’re the only one in the world going through this type of problem. One thing Aaron’s illness has taught me is that I am not alone on this island; I have a community of people behind me.

God is faithful. He will help us with any type of test that comes our way. He won’t give us more than we can handle, he’s our strength of endurance.

There are so many things that seems impossible to me. I can’t even imagine things being differently. But He has it all planned out, and though this may be a lifelong struggle, I can be comforted by the thought that at least I’m not alone. 

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Fervent Prayer

It's easy to think of what to be thankful for when you're thinking about God or church. There's always something. You can thank God for your food, dog, friends, church, community - but when it comes to your family, well, it isn't that simple.

That's how I feel, anyway.

When it comes to my family, I wish I lived in a deserted island by myself. I'm strangely fearful of what will happen when Annabelle moves out next year when she gets married because she's the only sane person I live with. Even the dog isn't sane. He barks and growls at invisible objects only he can see.

As usual, I spent Thanksgiving at my grandparents. This year, both my parents were there, at the same time. For those of you who don't have divorced parents, I don't think you can sympathize with me on this one. When two people who have mutually agreed to hate each other and have mutually agreed to be repulsed by the mere thought of the other person are put in close proximity to one another, disaster always ensues.

Visualize an explosion. Visualize a tornado passing through a room. Visualize chaos and madness and flying turkeys.

That's how Thanksgiving was like.

After my mom declared she had a headache and was sick, and after my dad told the story of how my mom never takes care of herself, even when pregnant with us, and after my mom rebutted with how he never takes care of himself, or the kids, or the family - and on and on it went, they finally left in a huff.

Leaving me, Annabelle, my grandma, and my Aunty Grace in the kitchen, bewildered by the chaos. I was feeling absolutely depressed and asked my Aunty Grace to talk about something happy, please.

So she told me the story of how she got cancer.

Two years ago, my Aunty Grace didn't care for beans what she ate. With the exception of her strange allergy to chicken, she consumed everything with gusto, especially coke. She had at least a minimum of four cans of coke a day: One before work, one during work, and two during dinner. Then one day, she received the news that she had breast cancer. This changed everything, and from then on, she dropped it all, especially her addiction to coke.

For months, she waited for the chance to have surgery, something the doctors did not want to give her for reasons that absolutely frustrated her. She turned to prayer and prayed fervently. I don't think she's ever prayed so hard before. The entire church joined her, and soon she witnessed the power of prayer and how prayer can change someone's life.

She then received the chance to finally have surgery in the Philippines, so she took the first chance to fly there. Afterwards, she was on medication which caused her to loose a lot of weight. Her drastic change in diet also caused her to loose weight; she had to drop eating meat, sugar, and most carbs.

So I asked her, "What are you thankful for then?"

She answered, "I'm thankful I'm gaining back the weight I lost!"

Which is true, two years ago she was all bones and today she looks healthier, though she's definitely not the same weight she was before cancer. She told us that she had another routine mammary examination two weeks ago and was still waiting to hear back the results. We asked if she was afraid that the cancer would come back, and she replied with the most astounding answer I had heard.

"If it comes back, then I'll pray that The Lord would help me with whatever he's put on my plate again. I know he won't give me more than I can handle. So I can just pray for his help with what he's given me."

And at this point, I felt like I was stupid for having all these things about my family I was worrying about. I'm worried for my mom's health, I'm worried about my dad's job, and I'm worried about my brothers never finding a job - it can get very depressing to think about. But God will never give me anything more than I can handle, and I can just ask him to help me with whatever he's put on my plate.

After all, isn't that what prayer is about?

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To Love Simply


ASAP Science told me this week that sleeping too much may actually do more damage than good. I was very upset to hear this, since sleeping is way up there on my list of favourite past times.

I've learned some about my Christian life through my lack of sleep. Since sleep is so precious to me, my sacrificing it may actually be a big deal. Maybe what I am suppose to get out of this is to realize where my priorities are.

I make it a point to tell people that I can't work on Sundays because I have to go to church. I also make it a point to people that I can't meet them on Friday's because I have LH. This is something that I really value and it doesn't even matter if no one else understands this; whether people think I'm doing it apathetically as a routine or if people think I'm being overly religious - I do it because God is all knowing, all powerful, all encompassing, I do it because I'm weak and because I strive to be in love with Him.

There's nothing worse than a lukewarm Christian. Someone who believes in God and does nothing about it. Someone who just reads the Bible and attends church to avoid being asked why he wasn't there. Someone who measures himself up against other people's spiritual growth, when he himself isn't growing.

I can't stand it. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. (This is why I always ask God not to give me a lukewarm Christian husband.)

I love love. You can't force yourself to love God, or will yourself to love Him more, it just becomes a chore; another thing you have to do, another obligation or challenge you give yourself. You end up focusing on how much love you can give God or how much you can love God.

Love is just love. Something you automatically think about, something you automatically burst into song about even if you can't sing. Love is writing letters in my prayer journal, love is constantly hunting for the right word and phrase to express what's your mind and never finding it because there are no words to really say it. It's when you don't mind how long you have to travel to be with that person, how much money you spend on that person, or how much sleep you have to sacrifice.

You can pray for more love because you need God to help love Him.

There's a type of jumbled up logic to attending meetings that my sister and I were talking about. I'll use the girl's bible study as an example. My schedule is already very hectic, between my classes, work and volunteer, I struggle to find time to sleep. But there's always that nagging feeling on the back of my head about where my 'priorities' should be, that they should be with 'going' to bible studies and attending meetings.

This is how it plays out in my head: I have a nagging feeling that the girl's bible study hasn't started. That nagging feeling makes me want to start it. I then realize that I shouldn't listen to that nagging feeling, because having a girl's bible study should be an organic, almost spontaneous thing that I shouldn't have to drag myself to do. So I tell myself to leave it alone because I don't have any love for it. Then I go back to thinking about Seo and how much he probably drags himself to commit to all these bible studies, so I muster up some pep talk to myself to get it started. Then I realize I'm not Seo!

Anyway, so that's the cycle in my head. I go from wanting to do it to not wanting to do it to wanting to do it to not - all because it's out of my own effort. If God gave me the inspiration to do it no amount of hectic-ness will get in my way.

Instead, what I've learned from my recent hectic schedule and consequently lack of sleep is that my priorities should be to simply love. It's to not try so hard with my own efforts and ask God to help me. It's realizing God chose to love me when I didn't ask Him to. The response to love then becomes loving others who love God - which is why although I could be sleeping, I go to LH, and why although I could be studying, I choose to go to church on Sundays.

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Secrets


Today I feel like absolute crap - the result of a combination of not eating properly and drinking too much coffee on an empty stomach and not getting enough sleep. Being at work at 5am has gotten to the point where my coworkers and I talk about less than illicit ways of going to bed in time without actually taking sleeping pills. So this is what our lives has come to, pushing ourselves for the sake of temporary consumerism.

I've never felt like absolute crap before. At one point my head was completely spinning and I actually thought I'd faint, that same fainting sensation you get when your sugar level drops all of the sudden.

Anyway, to distract myself from this crappy feeling let's change topic. Yesterday during LH I was doing the ice breaker and decided to use one of the activities from my ESL activity book. It was suppose to be a practice on using articles - you know, a, an, the - and I decided to modify it for LH. Originally I was going to do Human Bingo, but that activity is super overdone and I wanted to do something where the people who already know each other well could get to know each other better. PLUS deep down, I probably unconsciously just wanted to know everyone's secrets.

So the activity is called I'll Change. The premise is that people would have to write 10-15 things (this was too complicated we ended up with just 5) that they would like to change about themselves, their lives, their world, or just random misc. things about themselves. In an ESL context, they would have to use articles with their items. I would then collect the lists and people would have to interview one another to find out whose list they have.

Simple right?

Not so, I was happy to see that people were over thinking their answers and that they were legitimately having a hard time coming up with FIVE things to put on their list. One day in the near future, I will use the same activity with my ESL class and see how long they take in comparison to how LH did. Haha.

After the ice breaker I kept everyone's paper, which now that I think about it is very stalkerish - but in my defense, I don't even know which list belongs to who, so I have all these fantastic random tidbits from different people and I can only guess who wrote what. Actually this is half a lie, I am pretty sure I know which list belongs to the guys, it's harder to tell with the girls.

But the question I have to ask is, were people being truthful? Because if they're like me, some of the things on their list is a lie.
This is what I wrote:

I wish I was taller. (A lie.)
I am semi-lactose intolerant. (WHICH now that I think about it is the reason I probably became sick after drinking all that coffee today. Damn you milk.)
I wish I can acquire better spelling abilities. (True. I can't spell.)
I wish I can memorize bible verses as well as Seo. (A lot of people wrote this on their list, haha.)
I don't like knives. (You never know when one is going to come flying at you.)

Then again, maybe not everyone is a blatant liar like me.

Ok going to bed now. Maybe I'll wake up just in time for the bible study tonight. Zzzz...

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Working at 5am: A Survival Guide



Working at 5am: A Survival Guide

With careful planning and technique, being at work at 5am doesn't have to suck. I'm the type of person who would happily sleep all day if I could and my bed and I have a happy, blissful relationship together.

Quick Ode to my Bed:

More than just a companion to my dreams,
You're my best friend and comforter.
Happily you greet me in the arms of your tangled blankets,
And give my weary head rest on your flat pillow.

Oh bed, we've been through much together,
We've read through all 7 Harry Potter books,
Learned the pitfalls of eating waffles in bed,
Battled with invading insects that have tried to ruin our solitude,
But best of all, you've been there with me through all my nightmares.

Time flies far too fast,
As I snore and drool,
Daily I leave you,
But you're always there to welcome be back.

Tangent over, back to our Survival Guide:

7pm: In theory, if you wanted eight hours of sleep you should be in bed by 7 the night before, but realistically, we all know this isn't going to happen.

8pm: By this time if you're not glancing at the clock guiltily, being well rested probably doesn't mean that much to you. That or you're going through an inner dialogue with yourself about how awake you will be at 3am. The part of you that is telling you that sleeping at 8pm is ridiculous will probably win since the part of you that wants to be responsible is weak.

9pm: Start getting ready for bed. Be careful not to suddenly become overly energized at this point and be tempted to do a sudden burst of random housework - this will only keep you from sleeping! Head straight to bed, even if the battle there takes an hour.

IMPORTANT: Make sure you set your alarm. I set two just to be safe: My iphone and an alarm clock.

10pm: No matter what, you're probably tossing and turning in bed at this point, suddenly thinking about a hundred million different things. Things like, "Why did that guy on the ttc smell so bad?" and "Maybe I will actually eat breakfast when I wake up, since I'm sleeping so early and all," and "I wonder why s/he smiled at me like that. Does that mean s/he likes me? Or maybe s/he hates my guts and the smile meant they have evil intentions. Do not trust smiling people."

Tips to fall asleep: 1) Count Sheep 2) (As bad as this seems) Pray 3) Listen to random podcasts. (Warning: Don't listen to random podcasts that excite you, i.e. Shakespeare. Listen to something French.)

11pm-2:59am: You're hopefully snoring at this point. Drool like no one is watching because you'll have to be up in a minute.

3am: Now you're allowed to ask the question you've been wanting to ask. Why would you wake up at 3am when you start work at 5am? Like most things in life, I have no reason. I just like having a 2 hour cushion to do things like: Hit snooze for the next 40 minutes.

3:40: After hitting snooze for way too long, adjust your eyes slowly to the light by browsing instagram on your phone. After a solid ten minutes of this, brush your teeth and shower. The shower will be painful, try to sing a song to cheer yourself up.

4am: Coffee is a must at this point. Chug chug chug.

If you're a guy, you can skip this part. Go eat breakfast or something.

To all the ladies: Now is the point you might stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself if it's even worth it to put makeup on. The answer is yes because although the world is still sleeping at this point, it will be waking up at some point and it's going to have to look at you. You will poke your eye with mascara, you will cry because of your contacts, you will always somehow put too much lipstick on, the hair dryer will refuse to cooperate - it's all part of being complicated.

4:30-4:45: Depending on where you live, leave the house and admire how empty the streets can be and question what the lonely cars you pass by have been up to. If you see a pedestrian, do not honk and say hi, you might scare them. You are allowed to feel good about yourself, you made it out of the house.

5am: Start work.

7am: Make sure you take a break because you will be starving at this point. Nothing is open yet so hopefully you were smart enough to pack an apple.

7:30-10am: This is when things start to get painful, stay strong! You will start feeling light headed and might start cursing everyone. There is no way of stopping this, just avoid people and do not make eye contact. Hopefully your coworkers are smart enough to leave you alone.

11am: Take another break, trust me, you will feel better after eating. Everything is open now, i.e. Starbucks and McDonalds.

11:30-1pm: With your newfound energy, suddenly work 3x the speed to make up for your earlier sluggish movements.

1pm-1:30pm: Probably the most painful last half hour of your life. Hide in the office to do 'work'.

1:30pm: Freedom!

And there you have it. Good luck.





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Blurred Lines


Today at work my contact lenses were bothering me so much that I wanted to just walk around half blind. I have extremely bad eyesight, and I have never met anyone outside of my family whose prescription even comes close. I’ve never minded it except for the fact that my bad eyesight has caused me to be paranoid about a million different eye diseases and going blind. My biggest fear used to be going to the optometrist and receiving the horrific news that I suddenly have glaucoma, or that the throbbing vein in the back of my eye will pop any day now.

My grandma says I have bad eyesight because I used to stay up too late reading Archie comics and because I did nothing but watch Scooby Doo all day. I realized she was lying when my sister, who never watched Scooby Doo, had just of bad eyesight as me. (When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to watch Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, or the Simpsons, which made me extremely unpopular and left me with no other choice but Scooby Doo. But damn that Scooby Doo, I should have spent my time more productively by watching the Magic School Bus.)

Anyway. Having glasses made me temporarily popular in grade five, when I was the only one with glasses. And that’s about the extent of popularity I will ever get from wearing glasses - although apparently, Toronto is increasingly becoming more hipster-ized, and what is a true hipster without real prescription glasses? My grade five popularity might actually just make a comeback.

But despite the pain of having to poke my eyes to wear contact lenses, and despite the pain of actually having to wear glasses, I like being half blind. Sometimes I just don’t want to see things clearly. I like that unfocused haze of undefined edges, the star-like glow of lights, and the poetic metaphor life seen unclearly.  

I don’t think I’ll ever get laser eye surgery, not because I’m afraid of that small percentage that something will go horribly wrong, but because being half blind is who I am.

Here’s a list of things I prefer to do while half blind: (Warning, this might get TMI)

1) Using the washroom

Obviously no one is going to take a shower with glasses on, and some people might take showers while wearing contacts, but I realized the other day that some people can actually see clearly in the shower. Like instead of having to hold up the shampoo bottle up to your nose to read whether it’s a conditioner or not, they can just look at the shelf and read the label. And instead of seeing blurred drops of water, they might be able to see individual drops of water!

Anyway, this includes brushing my teeth, washing my face, and other things you use the washroom for. Don’t ask, it’s a personal choice.

2) Reading

There’s a very precise distance of five inches from my face where I can see anything clearly. (Hoorah!) Any further or closer it’s blurry. Luckily enough, five inches happens to the perfect reading distance, and I’ll never get distracted because if I look up, I wont’ be able to see anything anyways.

3) Cooking

Before you tell me this is dangerous I’ll confess that I only know how to cook stupid things like instant noodles and eggs. For anything that requires more than three ingredients, rest assured, I wear my glasses.

Moral of the story: There is none, my contacts were just bothering me. 

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