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The Problem with Moments of Clarity

The problems with moments of clarity is that I have them too many times during the day. They happen randomly (watching a drama, walking, on the ttc, looking at fb) and I never have the will power to write them down. I always think, “That’s a great moment of clarity I just had. If only I had a piece of paper and notebook to write this down in. Then one day when the moment is right, I will look at this notebook and read this piece of moment of clarity and be all the more clarified once again.”

Here’s a short list of moments of clarity I had today:

1)   While looking at fb, I found a picture of my brother’s girlfriend with my Charlie and thought, “She has the best confidence in the world. I should have more confidence like her. And come to think of it, what’s stopping me? I’m stopping myself. From now on, I will have the same confidence like her.”

Clarity.

2)      While applying for jobs today, I became overly fed up (this happens on a daily basis) and thought, “Screw cover letters. They take too long to write and it always feels like I’m trying to sell myself.” And a short google search later I realized I can pretty much google any problems I have.

Clarity.

3)      I woke up to a piece of threatening note this morning that said, “Give back PS4 controllers and you can have your laptop back” from Aaron. Of course my natural reaction was to feel invaded that he went in my room and took my beloved (although aged) macbook. And the reason for this note in the first place had to do with another dispute that happened on Saturday night, where I once again disowned him as my brother.

But after a short conflict I decided that it really isn’t worth it to be mad at Aaron all the time. I should be more forgiving (though it really does take a lot of emotional will power to do this).

Clarity.

4)      I recently bought a new EeeBook, introducing me once again to windows, since my macbook was dying and I needed a new, cheap alternative that did everything I wanted (i.e. actually work). I needed to buy Office and realized that I could still cheat Microsoft by buying the university/student version of Office since all they needed to verify that I’m still a ‘student’ is a university email address (which I have for life. Does this mean I will be able to reap the benefits of being a student forever?).

Of course, this piece of clarity would never have happened without Jeremy, who is 99% more tech savvy than I am. He’s the one who talked me out of my apple fandom and led me to a cheaper alternative, and the one who told me to cheat Microsoft by pretending to be a student still. Plus he’s the one who set up my notebook for me.

So really, this piece of clarity is, “Jeremy is a lot better at this stuff than I am. I could try and be better at it like he is, but then again, why bother? I can always just ask him, or he’ll voluntarily give me advice without my asking. This is great.”

Clarity.

I wish I had an infinite amount of memory in my head to use as a storage for these random pieces of clarity. That every piece of clarity I have I can put into long term memory drive and retrieve when I need to remember it. Or that I can file these pieces of clarity categorically for better and easier access.


Anyway, if there really was something important I had to remember, I’m sure I will. 

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Sweetie Boy is Home


Suddenly he came home like the sweetest little boy you’ll ever find. The dog greeted him enthusiastically at the door, tail wagging, wondering where he had been all these five long years. (Really, it was just five months. But to dogs everything seems like forever.)

“Hi Charlie!” Sweetie Boy exclaims. “I missed you! You’re so cute. Good boy.”

“Sweetie Boy is home!” Mom chimes in, though to who she was speaking to was unclear; was it to the dog or the house?

He didn’t really have much else to do at home so he bee-lined his way down to the basement where his room was. His computer was gone.

“Don’t go down there yet!” Mom yells after him. “Stay up here where I can see you. Have something to eat.”

“Where is my computer? Is it in the garage?”

I sat frozen in my room all the while. Hold up. He was suppose to come home today? No one told me. Mom never said a word. She never even told me that he was coming home soon. I had to find that out from brother-in-law.

There was nothing I could do next except text sister and Ducky:

TEXT: TO SISTER

OMG HE’S HOME

TEXT: TO DUCKY

OMG HE’S HOME

Ducky tells me not to be bothered by it.

How can I not be? This sweet little boy, trapped in a 20-year-old body, is very, very angry. Who knows what he could do. What is he capable of? Where are the knives, are they locked up?

It was just getting to be very peaceful at home with just Matty and I. The best we’ve gotten along in years. I’d ask him about girlfriend and school, and he’d tell me he was doing great. Though not with girlfriend.

But now, Sweetie Boy is home.

“Sweetie boy is home,” Mom suddenly exclaims passing by my open door. I say nothing. “What’s wrong?” She suddenly whines. “ I’ll cook later.”

“It’s not that!”

“I’ll need your help. He’s home. He needs to take his meds everyday.” She whines, “I’m so tired.”

“Ok I’ll help, just tell me where the meds are. I’ll give it to him at night.”

“Good Lord. I’m so tired,” She says more pitifully again as she goes down.

My phone vibrates.

TEXT: FROM DAD

Sweetie Boy is discharged. He is home now.

TEXT: FROM DAD

Tonight don’t forget to remind him his med before bed, ok? Good girl.

Am I dog? And where have you been?

Sweetie Boy and mom make plans to go to the bank. Before they leave mom tries to keep him occupied by telling him to come say hi to me. Before he could make his way up I boulder down the stairs to say: Hi, Sweetie Boy.

Hi Sister, he says.

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Proposal Expert


I’ve realized recently that I love being part of people’s special moments, and especially, being part of the planning process.

This past Saturday was Tabitha’s bridal shower – my third and last bridal shower of the year. It makes me a bit sad to think that I won’t be taking part of planning another bridal shower in a while (if at all).

During the bridal shower, someone began talking about this woman in NYC who became a professional bridesmaid – a bridesmaid for hire. She is the prime example of someone who takes what she’s good at and advertises herself. 

Which got me thinking, why can’t we all just do that? Advertise what we are good at shamelessly just because we’re good at it. You can’t lose anything.  

Another example of this is the guy who became a Professional Line Sitter after having realized that people will stand in line for just about anything. He will stand in line for you so that you won’t have to find yourself standing outside of an Apple Store all night just for the latest iPhone.

This is what I call true innovation.

Among the people I know, people are constantly being innovative. Annie has taken her love for baking and created Gastronomic Relevancy, Lauren has Boxit, Clement is on his way of making a website, Caroline sells her designs on Etsy, and my friend Tanya designs tshirts for her company, Afrolemodele. I’m sure there are others I don’t know about.

I came up with the most ridiculous venture I could think of this morning while talking to Tabitha. I decided that I should be a professional Proposal Expert.

The idea:

There will always be moments in life when you’ll want to take the next step with someone. Maybe you want to ask a girl out. Maybe you want to propose to your girlfriend. But the question is, how? You want to make it special and memorable, but the only problem is that you’re lacking ideas, and perhaps help.

That’s when I come in to help.

I can help these guys create unforgettable moments by planning and executing the event. All they have to do is show up looking good. I’ll make sure the flowers are there, the timing is right, and the mood is perfect. In short, I’ll be in the background making sure everything goes well.

I don’t even have to limit myself to a guy asking a girl out or a proposal; it can also be for a special wedding anniversary, or a surprise birthday.

It’s to help create a special moment between two people at the start of something wonderful. Or to help you express your love for that special person in your life.

Part of the package will be complimentary photos and a video of the entire thing.

What do you guys think? I’m quite half-serious about this. I’ll have to think of a name and create a website first, before advertising myself. This could either be a hit or a flop, either way, it’s something I can work on while looking for a job/finding out what I want to do with my life.


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Junction of Three Roads


When we went to visit fontana de Trevi in Rome, I knew what I wanted to wish for. I had thought about it long beforehand, back when we were planning where to visit when we arrived in Rome. I wished for Aaron to get better. (I know what you’re thinking, now that I’ve said it, it will never come true! Luckily, I don’t subscribe to this superstition. Or maybe my wish has been answered.)

Less than a week after coming home from my grand adventure in Europe, Aaron was admitted to CAMH. It was Annabelle’s idea. She gave my mom a list of hospitals to choose from, with pros and cons on each, and in the end my mom agreed to CAMH because she believed it was the best hospital for him.

They went through the emergency room and he’s been there since, being switched from department to department, depending on how he was getting along.

I’ve had a very hands off experience with this entire thing which my mom might resent me for. She thinks I don’t care enough about Aaron and that I’m happy he’s in the hospital (as oppose to being unhappy like she is. She thinks CAMH is a prison). Call it what you will, selfishness or uncaring on my part, but I haven’t visited Aaron much this entire time. I’ll talk more about this later.

It was during this time that Aaron was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Hearing this diagnosis scared my entire family. First of all, it’s genetic. Second, we wondered whether Aaron would ever be strong enough to battle this. It really is a sorry affair to have someone in your family diagnosed with schizophrenia. There are a lot of tears, accusation, and depression passed around. My mom has taken it especially hard; she describes Aaron as “being an empty shell”.

I can’t even begin to imagine what she’s feeling. To see your son deteriorate and become this empty, emotionless, shell of what he once was. As we were cleaning out Aaron’s room after he went to CAMH, she found childhood pictures of him and pictures before his illness. Feeling sentimental, she stuck the pictures in random places in the house: On the fridge, by the front door, in her room, in the living room. I took a long hard look at these pictures. I can’t help but ask where Aaron went. The person in CAMH is not Aaron.

Aaron didn’t go to the wedding though he was one of Vinay’s groomsmen. It might have been the week before, or very recently beforehand at least, the wedding when Matt and Aaron got in a fist fight in the hospital. After that, there were no questions of him coming to the wedding. Isn’t this a really depressing thought? I thought about Aaron’s absence during the wedding, and wondered whether he would have enjoyed it. Probably not.

So where am I going with this? I wish I could end off with saying, “So this is why I’ve filled up ten prayer journals to date because everyday I pray that God will heal Aaron and I have faith enough that this will actually happen.” 

I do believe God can heal Aaron. But I do question whether it’s in His will to do so or not. (Maybe someone can help me out on this with a comment.) Rather than pray for healing, I want to pray for peace in what God has planned, whether it’s Aaron becoming a functional member of society or whether, and I shudder at this thought, Aaron stays the way he is for a long time.

Let’s be honest. This is hard.

Tonight, as my mom was taking Aaron out to Tim Hortons (he has a free pass every now and then, meaning, he can leave the hospital for short amounts of time), he ran away from her. He jolted out of Tim Hortons and ran down the street. She chased after him in her car and even stopped in the middle of the road, abandoning the car, to chase him on foot. Eventually a kind couple wound up helping my mom and after an hour or so, they managed to get him into the car with the promise of going home.

Which she actually took him to. When they got home my mom pulled Annabelle aside (I was at work) and told her Aaron was downstairs and together with Pedro, they got him in the car and went to the hospital together, where in the parking lot, Aaron took off again. It was dark at this time, and Annabelle stopped my mom from chasing him. Instead, she called the hospital for help, and they responded by calling the police. Frantic, my mom insisted that they look for Aaron themselves so they drove round and round the vicinity of the hospital until they spotted Aaron at a streetlight.

Annabelle was suppose to meet up with Vinay, who is just coming in from Thunder Bay. Instead, she had to chase after Aaron and comfort my mom who was hysterical. I don’t even know where to start. I feel bad this had to happen to everyone – to my mom who is absolutely distraught now, to Aaron who wants to be free from his prison, to Annabelle the newlywed who can’t be with her husband, and even Pedro who probably was looking to rest after work.

Doesn’t this sound completely fictional to you? It’s hard to imagine this could even be real life. Then again, we all have our own problems to look after. 

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Disenchantment


It is fair to say that I have become very disenchanted with my career, or rather, disenchanted with putting a career first and foremost at all. In the past few months, this thought has been creeping into my head, but I’ve always brushed it away thinking that it was nonsense. What reason would I be disenchanted when I haven’t begun at all? Then again, a stronger inkling would say, “Is it really that important?”

And I guess, now I’ve resigned to thinking that it isn’t that important at all.

In the past few months, weeks, days, and minutes leading up to Annabelle’s wedding, I’ve immersed myself completely into helping her prepare for it: Shopping for décor, shopping for gifts, putting together the wedding favor, planning the bridal shower, getting our eyebrows done, planning the surprise flash mob (which, I’m happy to say, she says was her favorite part of the wedding). I enjoyed every minute of it, even in the days when I felt overwhelmed by the amount of things we had to do.

It was in the middle of this wedding fever that I realized it’s ok that I’m disenchanted with my career, and that it’s ok to embrace this feeling rather than pushing it away. What became more important to me were the people who I was around, the people I could help, and the people I decide are important to me.

Last night marked the end of my classes.  I left class feeling meh, and walked away from my friends deciding I would celebrate quietly by buying tea at Tim Hortons by myself. It was one of those moments when I couldn’t help but think, “So, now what?”

(Tangent: People are often confused when they realized I’m still taking a class. The answer is yes, I am, and it’s been the biggest struggle. In the midst of assignments and tests, I’ve been helping Annabelle for her wedding, planning the bridal shower, planning lesson plans for my practicum, working, and who knows what else.)

Deep in my thoughts, I almost walked passed someone who ‘seemed’ homeless, asking me for change. As usual, I made sure to reply, “Sorry”.

But then he asked, “Can you buy me dinner?”

I stopped in my tracks. I’ve never been asked by someone who ‘seemed’ homeless to buy him dinner before.

So I asked, “Sure, what do you want?”

“Can you buy me that chicken sandwich?”

“Do you want a drink with that?”

“I already have coffee. How about water?”

“Ok, I’ll go get you something.”

Then he added, “Can you get chili with that?”

I wasn’t sure if hew as changing his order, or if he was asking me to buy him two different things. But I wasn’t about to get him both. When I came back outside with his chili I noticed that he had what seemed to be an iphone/ipod headphones on, which meant that he might not have been homeless! I had been duped.

We exchanged names, shook hands, and as I walked away, he pulled out a small flute. This seemingly homeless man might have just been a subway musician.

I didn’t let it get to me. I let it go thinking, “Well God, it’s not my place to judge whether he could have afforded the meal himself or not, or whether he’s actually homeless or not. I did what he requested of me, and that’s that.”

Anyway, I told my friends what happened. One of them told me it was my destiny to run into this guy (jokingly. This is her way making sense of things).  And my other friend told me that I should have been more mad for being duped.

One of my fondest memory of going to Istanbul with Tabitha and Selina was that one morning when we had our coffee fortunes read by a friend we made. He made some tall claims, but despite that, I often think back to my coffee fortune.

“You’ll be able to get what you want,” He said peering into my cup. “Because you’re lucky.”

I don’t know what I want yet. When I figure it out, at least I know I'll have luck on my side. 

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Makeup Inventory

Sometimes, all you need is a bit of makeup - but in my case, this bit of makeup has grown into a collection of makeup. I don't know if you guys remember, but last year I started subscribing to ipsy, a monthly makeup subscription where I receive a bag every month in the mail. 

I finally opened my March bag today. Unlike Tabi, I wasn't that impressed since I already have the products in the bag. The bag looks like an ameba and is actually very pixelated, making it look just like plastic. 

Usually I get five items a month, so I was a bit disappointed to that I only got four items this month! (Blasphemy!) Here's a picture:


The only thing I liked was the liquid eyeliner. I could probably use this as a tattoo pen since it doesn't wash off at all! 



So this got me thinking. By now I've accumulated a lot of makeup, and I think it's about time I take an inventory and see just how much I have.

There are some people who have qualms about makeup, personally, I don't see anything wrong with it unless you go overboard and end up looking absolutely intimidating, or if makeup ends up becoming your definition of beauty. (You know what they say, if 90% of it can be washed away with water, it's not beauty.) I use makeup as a way of looking put together, or of politeness, because how you look can be an outward manifestation of your attitude toward a situation. At work I deal with a lot of face to face interaction, and I'd rather look approachable than not. I think teachers especially need to look put together since students are constantly staring at them. 

Using makeup as a way of showing politeness is something my grandma and someone else at church taught me. They have a point, and really, caring about your appearance doesn't take that much work. 

Anyway on with the inventory. Here's a collection of my lip products, half of which I bought, and half of which I've received from ipsy. I had more lip-crayons and lip-glosses but they've 'mysteriously' disappeared (as in, my mom or sister probably took them). Is this a lot? I can't tell anymore. Lip products are my favourite because I like my lips, haha. 



Ok, this picture is a it more overwhelming, and I know what you're thinking: What is this and why do you have so many?!

These are the eye products. I'm missing one eyelash because Annabelle took it for her engagement pictures (she cut it in half and used half on the outer corner of her eyes). These are all from ipsy except for the gel liner and the giant mascara tube. I've received more pallets from ipsy but I regifted them to different people.


Face products which include foundation, powder, blush, primer, bb cream samples, bronzers ... 


This is just the tip of my nail polish collection, the rest are hidden in Annabelle's room. I always justify our vast number of nail polishes by thinking that my mom, sister, and I share them, but if I actually counted how many we own this poor justification probably wouldn't cut it.

#noshame


Not really makeup, here are random lotions (or what I call winter essentials) and one random hair spray.


And this is how I organize everything: In little boxes I bought from the dollarstore. Storing things this way doesn't look like I have a lot, which might be a bad thing.

I've started to write the dates of when I open products with a sharpie, just so I know how old things get and when it's time to toss them.


That's about it for makeup. I don't plan on subscribing to ipsy forever, I think I'll stop soon enough. It's just so addicting to receive products in the mail every month though, it's like christmas every month.

Since Light House will be hosting a spring dinner in April, I've been very preoccupied with thinking of table centre pieces. I had the idea of growing flowers yesterday and using them as the centre pieces, but now that I think about it, I don't think they'll be big enough for next month. Anyway I bought two grow kits (both only for a dollar!) and planted them yesterday. These are my new babies, Daisy and Sunflower.



Daisy and Sunflower have temporarily replaced the love I usually allocate for Charlie because Charlie mauled my Pooh Bear the other day.  











Ending this post with my Frankenstein drink from Sbux. My coworker told me he would treat me the other day, so I went to starbucks and told them so-and-so was treating me and they decided to come up with the most calorie induced drink I've ever had: A green tea frap with chocolate chips and caramel whip cream. 


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Mundane Life


I’ve often thought of what to blog about and usually write my ideas down. Nothing ever just seemed good or fitting enough to post, so that I ended up with a lot of half-attempted and failed blog posts with the pressure to actually post building up something since its been months since I’ve blogged.

A lot of things have happened in the past few months, I would love to rehash them out to you but that seems very tedious and time consuming. Instead of writing about these big life moments I’m going to stick to what I know best and write about the mundane things in life that took place this week. To start, here’s a list:

1) Clipping Charlie’s paw nails

What did dogs do in the wild before they had humans to clip their paw nails for them? And what did dogs do before people invented paw nail clippers for them? I find this part of dog ownership very questionable. The vet says when Charlie’s nails are too long, it hurts him. Question is, how do I know the vet isn’t lying to me? Is Charlie actually in pain?

But since the vet said it, I must do it. And just like giving Charlie a bath is up to me, so is clipping his paw nails. I don’t like doing it since it’s a very tricky thing to cut a dog’s nail, you have to cut just the tip or else it you’ll end up hurting them. The first time I cut Charlie’s nails he made a crying sound which I thought was a cry to of pain, turns out, it’s just Charlie being a baby about getting his nails cut. Now Charlie runs away from me when I take the paw nail clippers out (which looks like a pair of pliers, if you’re wondering).

2) I’ve adopted my own department

I probably spend 50% or my week at work, which absolutely sucks because I’m exhausted most of the time. It isn’t easy being on your feet the entire day, running around to get things done. When your energy level drops and the work keeps piling up, it’s hard to keep motivated to keep going. Luckily, I have fantastic coworkers who help motivate me.

So I won’t go into the details of what it is exactly I do at work, but recently we’ve had a few management shifts with a couple of people going on vacation – leaving me by myself! I’m pretty much scared stiff about this because I’m pretty sure I’m going to severely mess up or forget about something along the way and them boom – off with my head. It’s a terrible feeling. When coworkers ask me questions about things that need to get done I try not to make it look like alarm bells are not going off in my head and try to sound like I know what I’m doing instead.

3) Outdated Teachers

Yesterday at volunteer, Mia, code name for the teacher I’m shadowing, told me not to take notes while volunteering in her class and that I should be helping her making sure the students know what they’re doing instead. This would have been fine if she made it clear that this is what she expected of me, but never in the two months I’ve been volunteering here has Mia made it clear what she expects of me. Every week I’m there she gives me a different task to do, which is why I thought it would be perfectly ok to sit and observe.

Mia and I butt heads a lot. I don’t agree with her methodology and her strict, mean way of harassing the students. I believe she is outdated and needs to re-evaluate her teaching methods to see whether they’re working or not. She complains to me that some of the activities she does in class is the same activity she has done before, and the students still don’t know how to do it, making it sound as if the students are at fault for being stupid. The students are not stupid, it’s just her methodology that needs to change in order for them to learn. Mia is just using the same methods over and over again, even if they don’t work, resulting in nothing except a huge waste of time, effort, and government money.

I can go on and on about this. Of course, my friend Thao, who deserted me and went back to Vietnam for the winter semester, receives a lot of my complains.  Every week I leave volunteer I furiously message her and we hash out plans to revolutionize ESOL teaching methods. Thao is hilarious because if you think I’m being overly critical, she’s probably 10x times worse than I am.

4) How to be the Best Bridesmaid

Since I’m going to be a bridesmaid for 2 (maybe three, Mona still has to get back to me) weddings this year, I decided to take my job seriously. Haha. I’ve been googling “How to be a bridesmaid” and “proper etiquettes for bridesmaids” and “how to write a wedding speech” and of course, “how broke am I going to be after being a bridesmaid to 3 weddings?”

I’m ecstatic about the amount of weddings that are happening this year! It’s a year of celebration really, leaving no room to feel sorry for yourself since there are weddings to celebrate and prepare for! I don’t care whose wedding it is, I’ll gladly talk about it for hours. Haha.

So I started planning Annabelle’s bridal shower with the rest of her seven bridesmaids, and I have to admit that I love working with the girls because we each have different expertise. For example, Jaspreet is the organizer (she’s created a spreadsheet via google doc and is constantly cleaning it up when we mess with it and high lights the parts that need the most attention), Stephanie is the foodie (so she knows which catering companies to trust), and I’m probably the crazy person who over googles things.
We have a spreadsheet for each thing that need to be done such as the guest list, venue, catering, games, and even accessories (for what we’re going to wear on the day of the wedding).

That somewhat sums up this long awaited for post. Hopefully my next one won’t be months down the road. 

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