1 Corinthians 10:13
No testing has
overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not
let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also
provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. Last Friday at LH,
Jacob asked what our ‘prisons’ in life were, and we came to the consensus that
our family could be a type of prison. It’s a metaphorical prison of course; the
way I see it, it’s a type of captivity that makes you suffer.
As I mentioned in my thanksgiving post, my family makes me
really upset. Being upset with your family is a whole different level of
emotion: It’s a mix of boiling anger and rage with love. It’s the type of
emotion that makes you empathize with a murderer’s rage because you’re just
that angry.
Anyway, so Aaron is back in the hospital, surprise surprise.
His illness is similar to diabetes, if you don’t take care of it properly and
take the proper medication and precautions, you’ll deteriorate. It’s not
uncommon for people with psychosis to be chronically hospitalized though, but
that doesn’t mean it becomes less heart retching each time.
On Saturday, when Annabelle and my mom were bringing him to
the hospital, he began breaking down crying, and I was mean enough to say,
“Yeah, just cry it out.”
Pissed off, he looks at me and says, “You’re on my side,
aren’t you?”
This question just about killed me. Of course I’m on his side, I’m his sister. I can’t be his
enemy. At the same time I’m on the opposing side of his illness, something that
I’m finding harder and harder to realize isn’t who Aaron is. I admit that
sometimes when Aaron does something, it’s so easy for me to say, “Oh, that’s
because he’s sick”. When really, it’s not.
So yesterday, we went to visit him in the hospital. He was
absolutely in rage, angry that he has to be there for who knows how long when
he doesn’t think he needs to be there. And since we’re at a different hospital
this time, we had to rehash his illness to the on-call psychiatrist again,
making me realize just how bleak the future looks if he continues on the way he
is.
Something needs
to change.
1 Corinthians 10:13 is a very timely verse that came to me.
Yesterday while with the grade six kids, I made them memorize this verse. While
in the hospital, this verse came back to me and I just bawled my eyes
out.
Having a sick family member is something that everyone goes
through. This past few months alone, I’ve heard of so many prayer requests made
on behalf of a family member: Their mom, their dad, their son, their wife,
their husband. It’s so easily to isolate yourself into thinking that you’re the
only one in the world going through this type of problem. One thing Aaron’s
illness has taught me is that I am not alone on this island; I have a community
of people behind me.
God is faithful. He will help us with any type of test that
comes our way. He won’t give us more than we can handle, he’s our strength
of endurance.
There are so many things that seems impossible to me. I
can’t even imagine things being differently. But He has it all planned out, and
though this may be a lifelong struggle, I can be comforted by the thought that
at least I’m not alone.
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Hey love. Your post made me cry. You're not alone. You have your church, your family & friends, and please remember you always have me. I love you and your family so much. I'll pray for you guys and I will especially pray for Aaron.
xoxo
Kirsten